Profile: Monkey

One of the best known and least liked members of the Albany area legal community is someone I'll nickname Monkey, mainly because I couldn't think of a better name. Monkey is quite possibly the worst lawyer in the area.

Monkey advertises himself in little-known publications, and his ads stress absurdly low fees. They do not include any caveat about getting what you pay for. He mishandles several areas of law, mainly representing individuals.

Certain personal traits are notable. Monkey is often quite passionate about his cases, and will discuss them with other attorneys. After about one minute of such a conversation, the other attorney will usually have noticed two or three flaws in Monkey's argument, but most are polite enough not to tell him. He's also a very energetic person, possibly with some amount of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. -- No, I'm not a doctor and am not qualified to make a diagnosis. I'm just having fun here. -- Conversations are frequently interrupted as Monkey's mind wanders to another topic about which he is equally passionate and equally clueless.

Monkey is also a strong self-promoter and proud of his tremendous financial success. In my limited time with him I have heard about literally millions of dollars he's made recently. Despite this his office and accoutrements never seem impressive. You'd think the guy would be driving a Ferrari by now.

Monkey is also prone to making extremely negative comments about other attorneys. This is generally because they actually represent their clients and defend them vigorously, apparently unaware they are depriving Monkey's clients of their entitlements. He also complains about judges.

In my experience, most other lawyers are familiar with Monkey and do not like him at all. I would bet many judges feel the same. His is a life I wouldn't want.

A couple of other things I should mention. First, Monkey dresses in an odd manner. If he's wearing a suit, there's something just not right about it. Maybe an accessory that just doesn't go. And if he's not wearing a suit, then there's something else weird, perhaps strange headgear. Second, Monkey has the second hottest wife of any lawyer in Albany. No one can figure out how he landed her. I'd say he paid for her, but I don't think he could afford that price.

Of course, I have the hottest wife, and all of my friends have gone bald from scratching their heads trying to figure out what she sees in me. :-)